ephemera by william butler yeats

Pensive they paced along the faded leaves,
While slowly he whose hand held hers replied:
'Passion has often worn our wandering hearts.'

The woods were round them, and the yellow leaves
Fell like faint meteors in the gloom, and once
A rabbit old and lame limped down the path;
Autumn was over him: and now they stood
On the lone border of the lake once more

Turning, he saw that she had thrust dead leaves
Gathered in silence, dewy as her eyes,
In bosom and hair.
'Ah, do not mourn,' he said,
'That we are tired, for other loves await us;
Hate on and love through unrepining hours.
Before us lies eternity; our souls
Are love, and a continual farewell.'

movie saturday

I watched Wristcutters last year at a point of time when i was feeling really emotional. It made me laugh, it made me tear, it strengthened my resolve not to take life for granted again.

Two years ago, he taught her how to say goodbye.

It was a gift that he passed on, an armour that he donated, leaving her indifferent to any kind of farewells or departures from that point onward. But she was lying to herself, and maybe it's a lie everyone is no stranger to either.

Because it will always hurt when people leave, or are left behind.

facets

Illusions delight and intrigue us. We like to witness them, and we like to create them too. Maybe that's why we put so much attention into packaging ourselves. We think hard about how we present ourselves to others, how we dress, how we speak, how we send out certain signs and signals. The odd haircut, the retro glasses, the organised tan. Each of them is a message in itself.

We get through the world in heavy disguise.

We pick our clothes carefully. We hide behind the image that my clothes help me project. We are careful. We strive to ensure that the mask of my outer personality gives a particular impression. And this protects us from the vulnerability or the lack of certainty which we all feel. It's universal.

sashimi. soft-shell crab. zaru soba.

No Sushi Tei yet, but i had a really pampering buffet lunch at Kuishin-Bo's today!

Mmmm.

One more week before Marilyn the Teacher resurfaces.

I'm sunburnt and feverish but contented. Spent my morning in bed, then making breakfast for myself, sympathizing with Andy Roddick, reading Social Psychology articles and trying not to think about the Mango Dragon roll from Sushi Tei.

It's going to be a quiet Monday. The calm before the storm.

universal

Culture is a funny thing.

It gives us a point in common with folk all over the world for whom we might otherwise have no affinity. Yet it can also alienate us from people that we might become best friends with if only we could get past our superficial differences.

Countdown to sunshine, good company and Malaysian food in Austin Hills: 1 day!

climate

The weather in Singapore, or at least in Lakeside, has been so strange lately. Lightning streaks the night skies every 5 minutes or so, warnings of a storm that never came. In the morning the sun is out and the skies are clear, yet strong violent winds chilled my skin, crashed flower pots and blew my slippers away.

The weather is hormonal and deceptive, you can never trust its appearances. That's why i carry my umbrella and a pair of Crocs in my bag wherever i go.

imperfectly

Sometimes when i'm in my favourite malls like Raffles City or Jurong Point, i see young couples walking hand in hand in front of me and i'll make a point to see their faces when i walk past them. Most of the time they have either wide toothy grins or detached and bored expressions. When it's my turn to be looked at, i hope they see none of that, just sparkling eyes and a small smile of contentment.

When i think about the relationships that matter, that endure, i have an image of a stretch of sand, dark gritty lava sand that is slightly rippled, but unmarked by feet, as yet with little rocks or crystals set out at intervals on it. They are imperfect, these crystals, and they don't always fit comfortably in the hand. Some of them have unexpectedly sharp, jagged edges that cut into your palm when you close your hand too tight, and some of them are just awkwardly shaped.

If you gather them all up in both your cupped hands some of them will fit smoothly against each other, and some of them will jostle for space, so that you keep having to shift them about until they all fit in some kind of false harmony.

reading time

"If you would taste love, drink of the pure stream that youth pours out at your feet. Do not wait till it has become a muddy river before you stoop to catch its waves."

Jerome K. Jerome's The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow is the perfect book for a melancholic June holiday. Time to make my way down to Borders soon.

heart

Lately i feel like i'm losing my patience more easily than i should. With people, with situations, and most unfortunately, with God. I can feel the cynicism invading my heart like a poison. I can sense the demons lurking on the periphery of my vision. I would catch sight of them, fleetingly, out of the corner of my eye, and know they were waiting to pounce in a moment of vulnerability.

The struggle within, the insecurity, the lack of true understanding that i'm so deeply loved by God. I admit, sometimes i really have no clue. And with each passing day the hardening of my heart sets in, like cement freshly spread out in a repaired sidewalk, getting harder with every hour that passes.

Lord, in your mercy and grace, don't give up on me.

There's nothing i desire more than the scent of the rain.

the other side

If there was eternal sunshine, we would not welcome so eagerly a cooling rain, nor feel the joy of seeing the sun peak through the dark clouds. We would not know the fullness of the moment.

I love the color grey. It makes neon colors pop out so much more. It makes bright so much brighter. Just as hope is only understood when one has felt hopeless and freedom is only clear to one who has suffered bondage. Without evil as well, we would be blissfully ignorant and paradise would be less profound to us. We were made to understand things this way, which is perhaps the reason Eve and Adam partook of the forbidden fruit. They wanted to know the other side, and naively opened themselves to it.

This was God's plan, and so in a way the world, in its broken and chaotic state, remains beautiful and perfect.

the girl whose face i'll never forget

Hey.

Why don't you reply my texts?

I can see her swimming in the thick black mucous of despair, treading frantically, head just above the dark sticky mess. And i can see that part of her is desperate to be dragged out but the other part is just too tired to care if her head should sink below.

And while i know how her heavy heart threatens to drag her under, i am a lifeguard that never learnt to swim, reduced to shouting useless instructions from the edge in a helpless panic.

yummy skinfood♥

sequel

It's been almost a week. I'm still trying to adjust to J's presence and the fact that we are no longer separated by miles and miles of ocean.

Nothing much has changed in the past 4 years. I am still the seething gray storm clouds, tempestuous waves crashing into foaming white water. His role is that of clear blue skies and water lapping rhythmically against the side of the boat. Most of the time he's trying to catch hold of me, holding his breath while i walk the plank with precarious balance, inordinately drawn to the depths below.

soften

Does the cry of the world's need pierce the heart, and ring even through the fabric of our dreams?

Sometimes i am amazed how easily i become calloused. I am ashamed how small and insensitive is the surface which i present to the needs and sorrows of the world. I so easily become enwrapped in the soft wool of self-indulgency, and the cries from far and near cannot reach my soul.

come undone

In a split second, everything precious that you tried to keep together comes apart before your eyes, like a knitted sweater with a minor catch that causes the whole thing to unravel.

Moment after moment.

off limits

The first impression is that there are no limits. All seems to be open and wild and free.

If you step across an invisible barrier of any kind, it isn't immediately obvious. You could probably cross that line a dozen times without being aware that it is there. It does exist, though. Each time it is crossed, it becomes slightly more visible, gradually. It is as if the keeper of the border is almost infinitely patient. Almost. If you choose to spend time here, you need to watch carefully, keep an eye on that line. Eventually, if you keep walking over it in your ignorance and haste, it will become solid, and you may trip on it.

The next time you trod carelessly toward it, you won't be able to cross, you won't even trip over it. You'll find, quite suddenly, that it is a brick wall, unclimbable. If you persist, if you push on the wall, you'll realize it isn't even only impassible. It's an electric fence and your stubborn insistence on trying to bypass it will lead you to nowhere. Much better to stay on the outskirts, enjoy the appearance of freedom of access, and accept that some places are just off limits to you.

holiday

My last night in Seoul with my best friend and Sonno.

I am going to miss the chilly weather, the kimchi, the shopping, cheap skincare products and even the fact that nobody understands a single word i utter and the long and squashy rides on the subway. I am also looking forward to coming back home to the familiar comfort of my bedroom, the church, family and friends.

Good night.

make

"Can you imagine me making something like that?"

"You have never made anything for me before."

"I did! I have made you...happy. I have made you sad. And i have definitely made you angry."

j u n e

Hello you.

It's a month of inspiration, the end of uncertainty and the beginning of complications. I'm ready to embrace anything and everything. I'd love to see right into the future but i'd always choose to live in the moment, in the greyscale between the pitch-blackness of my heart and its luminous exterior.

Countdown to Seoul-ing it up with Gwen and Sonno: 3 days!

2a.m on a Saturday morning and i'm thinking about a few things.

God's unbelievably amazing grace, what i'm going to have for dinner with Stef tomorrow (am thinking The Manhattan Fish Market), a new eyelash curler, the smell of rain and my reoccuring fear of commitment. I am a Natalie Merchant song - hopeful, fragile, cynical and living in stubborn solitiude.

Sometimes i wish the clarity of my thoughts could be bottled, as an elixir for those times when i need a little lift.

infatuation

A crush is an initial burst of pheromones followed by a reluctancy to part with an being of such sentimental value, having weathered time with someone, that the feeling may be known as affection.

Other than that, a crush is still a crush. Love cannot be without the enduring trials of time and happenstance. Call me practical or calloused but he will get over it.

dream

Suddenly i have the sensation that i am walking from a dream. Like a sleepwalker who suddenly wakes up and knows where they are but not how they got there, it's a mystery how my life had come to this point.

For in many ways since last thursday, time has stood still. Moving in an unreal, unpremeditated fashion. Surreal moments as if stolen from something that could have been but never was.

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

stop doubting and believe

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."

Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"

Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.

John 20:27-29

drown

I thought that David's death had completely humbled me, but i was wrong.

I smelt the dankness of their hearts as i swam in the cold waters, grey as death, searching for hope. Around me, they beat feebly in disarray, some broken, some mended, others gashed and bleeding. Some hardened. Some knotted in fear. Their fragments, shattered, are flung far. They cannot find themselves again.

[Counting Crows - Murder Of One]

Just open up your eyes now
Let the rain come in
Just open up your arms now
Let the rain come in

She said "how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?"
She said "how does it feel to be one of the fortunate ones?"
She said "how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?"
She said "how does it feel to be all alone under the sun?"

You gotta stand up in the garden
Baby, come and let the rain come pourin' down upon your head
You gotta stand up in the garden
Darlin, come and let the rain fall down and wash away all your sins

"Nothing worth having in this world comes easy."

Dr. Kelso, Scrubs

surrender

If we were to approach every negative aspect of our life to actively seek inspiration from it, what we made of those opportunities could make us a lot more happier. Allowing a feeling of resignation to take over - not in a negative or defeatist sense though, it is about surrendering to forces much larger than ourselves.

When i was younger i resisted, tried to control and change what i believed i should and could be able to. As i grow older, i fight less and give in more. The humility that the process demands is yet to come but it'd be a work in progress.

Oh, my throat hurts everytime i swallow. Cough! :(

pill

The past few days seem to bleed into one another; days of multi-tasking, poor appetite and fitful rest have inexorably culminated in sickness. But there's nothing a couple of Paracetamol and Dad's corn soup can't cure.

They should, however, invent capsules for disappointment and a weary soul.

rose tinted

Everything is relative.

I look at things i dislike and feel disheartened. I list flaws and drawbacks. I rip the fabric to shreds. And when i stop and look around - surprise - i see a series of alternatives that appear attractive on first inspection. A closer look shows how deeply inferior the alternatives truly are. I'd not settle for second best. Maybe i can't improve on what i've got now, but i can improve on the way i tend to look at it.

On a side note, i received two pink Coca-Cola glasses from Cecilia and Amy that are just the perfect size for drinking orange juice with. It doesn't take much to brighten my day.

landslide

There have been a multitude of worries, natural outgrowths of present nightmares, folding and packing themselves into my extended baggage. Rather than face them head-on as they inevitably will come to pass, i instead stand idly by, watching them pile on and snowball.

My ability to compartmentalize, to break all things down into bite sized pieces for ease of consumption and digestion appears to have momentarily abandoned me. For now, i lose sight of the power of inhaling, of breathing deeply of the goodness in the here and now, and instead begin to choke on the fumes of what might come at some future point.

Dear Lord, let me feel complete once again.

Still riveting, no matter how many times i listened to it.

the reason

Her priorities had begun to shift long before she drifted away from him, but it doesn't make it any easier. They started new chapters of their lives at virtually the same time and left each other behind.

train wreck

Some people make me afraid to be sad near them because they might question themselves, question if they satiate me, if they can save me from the face of my internal greek tragedy. Sometimes i do wonder, am i really too difficult to please and too reluctant to be contented?

For at this point of time, it's a train wreck ahead. And i wonder why you, you or you are still rolling full speed ahead, advising the conductor to pile more coal on the fire. You see the big brick wall ahead and you fan away his warnings with the slightest wave of hands.

Chooo. Choooooo.

inside joke

Earlier on, i was watching a DotA replay online (hello geek!) and had such a good laugh when i saw the names of some of the players. They were Pudge Spencer, Drow Barrymore, Gorgon Shumway, Puck Norris, Riki Martin and Edward Nortrom.

Brilliant!

heal

I have been cautioned, by my inner voices, that after the desolate lows of last month, my work and the company of loved ones would no doubt prove to be only a palliative therapy, relieving the symptoms, but the sorrow and scars remain deeply rooted. Problems would be forgotten, temporarily, but would not miraculously dissipate.

But i've wept enough.

It is time to heal. It is time to fix my eyes on things above again. When the thoughts of my heart and the truths of God collide, it is much like two galaxies colliding; there will be remnants of both swept aside, but remants of both will form new realities.

curtains needed

One of the few things i dislike about HDB flats is the sleazy singlet clad men from the opposite block waving at me with suggestive hoots while i'm doing the dishes at the kitchen sink.

Ughhh.

judge

One of my weaknesses is judgementalism.

I umpire too quickly, sometimes, judging with my strict esoteric standards that exist only in my head. I judge whiny complaining people, people who speak with arrogance or wear something too revealing. I judge limp handshakes, patronizing conversation, insensitivity, manners and professionalism, heart and humanity.

I do it all from the small pulpit that is my life.

friday

There is something about a Friday that is just more thrilling.

On Friday the excitement is palpable. People are full of hope and expectation. The looking forward to. It isn't a Saturday where you know there's only one day left to relax in. Or Sunday with the realization that the weekend is almost over and it went in doing all the things one doesn't want to do but has to do. Or that it's the end of a weekend of relaxation and the beginning of a week of work looms ahead of you.

That is Friday, and even better so, a public holiday - the cherry on the top that hints at the taste of the ice cream and fudge and beckons with a flirtatious perch.

If i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that i was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing.

If that is so, i must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

cartoon network

As a child, i grew up with cartoons like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Captain Planet.

Now that i'm in my twenties, i just realised that the turtles were named after Italian artists from the Renaissance era and Captain Planet is able to rearrange his molecular structure to transform himself into the various elements of nature. Not to mention the broadcast of political correctness and ethnic diversity as each of the 5 Planeteers come from different continents of the world.

I'm going to dig deep into the other cartoons that i used to enjoy, in search of such details that no doubt have escaped any average sized brain of 8 year olds like mine. What fun!

heart

I picture the heart like a switchboard - the heart in my head is a big, red valentine with sharply cut corners and this switchboard has all these landlines hanging off it, all warm and pulsating, marked with names or relationships. 'Friend From University' or 'Travel Companion' or 'The One That Was Never Meant To Be'.

And for the past week, the one marked 'Myself' is white-hot and angry and remorseful as words whisper themselves out of the receiver and into my veins. Yet at the same time, i have never felt more alive than i do, never more full of gratitude and peace, never more acutely aware of my desperate need for God.